Why I’m endorsing Bag Of Tarantulas as the best pick for our next American President...

Over the last few weeks many of you have been asking which presidential candidate will receive my very important endorsement.  I've spent much time contemplating and have at last made my decision.

 Both of our candidates, bag of scorpions and bag of tarantulas, have troubled pasts.  They’re not human and have made mistakes that over the last few weeks have taken up most of our news cycle.  Many Americans are now confused. They think that both candidates would be horrible presidents. But for me the choice is clear- I’m voting for bag of tarantulas.

 Bag of tarantulas is a grocery store sized brown paper bag filled with mid to large sized tarantulas.  The bag has been folded over several times and sealed with a wooden clothes pin.  The sides of the bag are sturdy and dry and the bag sits upon a wooden table.  The sound of rustling appendages can be heard from within.

Bag of scorpions is a small paper sack filled with a variety of scorpions.  Many of them have deadly stingers and all have sharp crab like pincers.  Bag of scorpions has been folded over once and is not clipped shut.  The bottom of bag of scorpions appears to be wet.

 Many supporters of bag of scorpions claim that the bag will not break.  That what appears to be moist spots is actually olive oil that has since dried up.  They say that the bag has not only been folded over but sealed from the inside.

 But why take risks?  We KNOW that bag of tarantulas is sealed with a clothes pin and in this dangerous world we don’t have the luxury of guessing if bag of scorpions is sealed, dry or wet.  Ultimately, we must be pragmatic and vote for the very dry, mechanically sealed bag of tarantulas.

 Don’t be a fool.  When you go to your local polling station be sure to write in BAG OF TARANTULAS as your choice for our next American president.  And don’t forget- we need the government.  Without them we’d all be doomed.